Letters to Santa...

Dear Santa,


I have been extra good this year and would like a football and a playstation3.

Thank You Santa,

Robert Pittins Age 7 Bismarck, N.D.


Dear Robert,

Ho! Ho! Ho! You throw like a girl, Robert. Seriously, I've seen you throw a football.

-Santa

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Dear Santa,

Mommy said I was extra special good this year and that because I was good you would bring me a Princess Pink Disney Netbook.

Thank You Santa,

Mary Beth Logan Age 8 Orlando, FLA

Mary Beth,

What the fuck is with you kids and technology? You're 8 years old. What the fuck do you need a netbook for? So you can create some butterfly spreadsheets or some shit? What happened to dolls and bikes and shit like that? No. I'm not getting you any goddamn netbook.

-Santa

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Dear Santa,

Mom and Dad said that you really enjoyed the milk and cookies I left for you last year. I will leave them again this year Santa!

Bye Santa,

Billy Conlan Age 9 Springfield, IL

Billy,

Your Mom and Dad lied to you. Those cookies tasted like a dog literally shit on them. I couldn't even eat them. Was that soy milk? What the fuck? Are you lactose intolerant or are your parents hippies? For real, I was shitting all over myself the next day.

-Santa




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Dear Santa,

Could you just bring me a puppy? Rusty went to heaven and I want a new puppy.

Thank You Santa,

Steven Pulti Age 11 Madison, WI


Dear Steven,

I am so fucking hungover right now. I drank like 18 Molson lights last night. It was crazy. Mrs. Claus had her sister over and let me tell you, this chick is fuckin' NUUUUUTTTSSS! She's all over me, I'm fall-the-fuck-down drunk and one of the new elves is in the corner threatening Blitzen with a lego sword. Next thing I know we're all doing body shots and that elf son-of-a bitch stabbed Blitzen with a broken Jager bottle. Cops came, it was insane. Dude. Let me e-mail you a pic.

-Santa




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Dear Santa,

Does it make it harder for Rudolph when he has to pull you cuz your big belly?

Love,

Wendy Davidson Age 4 Austin, TX



Wendy,

Shut the fuck up.

-Santa