Money saving tip number #1 Utilize the electricty by leaving your TV on.

Leave your TV on all the time. Serious. I know you are probably like "Why? That's not smart. Electric bills are crazy right now." Or maybe you are saying to yourself "That's not very environmentally conscious whatsoever." Or maybe you're all "TV? They shut my motherfuckin electricity off 2 months ago, asshole!"

Listen, leave your TV on all the time. But let your kids just zombie out in front of it. It is a fucking incredible babysitter. I'm not kidding. Trust me. It's such a good cash saver.

First of all it costs less than any illegal immigrant you might hire to watch your kids. Believe me. I know. This one time my wife and I found this homeless dude sleeping in a Taco Bell dumpster and we paid him in Taco Bell to watch our kids while we went to Aruba for 2 weeks. Dumbass bum. Those fucking tacos are like a buck.

But with TV? As long as you pay the electric bill she's working overtime, jack. And she's working for about what? 30 cents an hour? Booyeah. Plus if they are watching TV you have time to do shit that has to get done like get a spray tan or watch TV.

Want to know what else? You save big time on food. The boy, he's 2. Before I realized how underutilized the TV was, this kid was wacking down about a 2 liter and a half of Green River a day. I saw him eat a family sized bag of Spicy Hot Fritos in like 20 minutes. That's impressive and I was really proud of him for being such a little badass eating machine but Fritos and GR aint free (unless the surveillance camera at 7 eleven is broke again). But now? He can literally go 36 hours without needing to eat. I'm not kidding. I remember one time he just sat there watching Rambo over and over and over and over. (The new bad ass one where he just fucking disinegrates that asian dude with that big ass 50 cal.!!! Shit is raw as hell!!! How jacked is Stallone in that film? He's 80. Is there a rule about how much verbage can go between two paranthesis before you realize it's just too much and you should just erase the paranthesis?)

Anyway I just wanted to let you guys know you dont need to be spending all that money on clothes and Honey Buns and shit. Economy sucks right now. : (

Peace.

Easter Mass Is Awesome As Hell!!!!

My probation officer took this picture of me going to church today. Oooops.

Interesting Facts....

The average adult horse will eat anywhere from three to six times its own body weight in hot pockets a day.

Dolphins don’t have eyes. Or souls.

7 out of 10 Americans have been attacked by tigers.

If you were to walk from Cleveland, Ohio to the surface of the moon you would die well before you got there. Seriously, you would die in space.

Penguins are one of only seven arctic birds that can read minds.

The popular 80’s comedy ‘Ghostbusters’ was actually written by Macaulay Culkin. He was 14 months old at the time.

Spiders are allergic to red meat. If they eat it they will almost assuredly turn into a bat. That’s where bats come from.

The Rocky Mountains are extremely tall and consist mostly of rock.

Cats are stupid.

Unicorns, although not real, are pretty fucking bad ass.

If an orangutan and a rhinoceros were to fight the rhinoceros would enjoy the distinct advantage of being a fucking rhinoceros.

The average adult male will visit White Castle 97 times a year. Of those, 92 will be within 4 hours of doing something really fucking stupid.

Chocolate milk actually derives from mixing chocolate with milk and not from a genetically engineered chocolate cow, as many people believe. No, I’m just kidding. It’s from the genetically engineered cow.

The word 'facts' is a funny sounding word. Or is that just me? Say it. Isn't that weird?

91% of married women need to just stop it.

97% of husbands didn’t even want to go to the strip club. They were dragged there by their friends.

If you are ever approached by a bear remember to stay calm and ask the bear what the hell it’s looking at.

The accordion is a box shaped instrument sometimes referred to as the squeeze-box. A person who plays the accordion is called an accordionist or really huge nerd.

A double quarter pounder with cheese from McDonald’s packs a mind-boggling 1,200 grams of deliciousness. This number doesn’t even include fries and a drink.

Rain is really the result of angels up in heaven crying about what you did.

The only person keeping you from achieving your dreams is you. You and the judge and the lawyers.

Letters to Santa...

Dear Santa,


I have been extra good this year and would like a football and a playstation3.

Thank You Santa,

Robert Pittins Age 7 Bismarck, N.D.


Dear Robert,

Ho! Ho! Ho! You throw like a girl, Robert. Seriously, I've seen you throw a football.

-Santa

__________________________________

Dear Santa,

Mommy said I was extra special good this year and that because I was good you would bring me a Princess Pink Disney Netbook.

Thank You Santa,

Mary Beth Logan Age 8 Orlando, FLA

Mary Beth,

What the fuck is with you kids and technology? You're 8 years old. What the fuck do you need a netbook for? So you can create some butterfly spreadsheets or some shit? What happened to dolls and bikes and shit like that? No. I'm not getting you any goddamn netbook.

-Santa

________________________________________________

Dear Santa,

Mom and Dad said that you really enjoyed the milk and cookies I left for you last year. I will leave them again this year Santa!

Bye Santa,

Billy Conlan Age 9 Springfield, IL

Billy,

Your Mom and Dad lied to you. Those cookies tasted like a dog literally shit on them. I couldn't even eat them. Was that soy milk? What the fuck? Are you lactose intolerant or are your parents hippies? For real, I was shitting all over myself the next day.

-Santa




____________________________________________

Dear Santa,

Could you just bring me a puppy? Rusty went to heaven and I want a new puppy.

Thank You Santa,

Steven Pulti Age 11 Madison, WI


Dear Steven,

I am so fucking hungover right now. I drank like 18 Molson lights last night. It was crazy. Mrs. Claus had her sister over and let me tell you, this chick is fuckin' NUUUUUTTTSSS! She's all over me, I'm fall-the-fuck-down drunk and one of the new elves is in the corner threatening Blitzen with a lego sword. Next thing I know we're all doing body shots and that elf son-of-a bitch stabbed Blitzen with a broken Jager bottle. Cops came, it was insane. Dude. Let me e-mail you a pic.

-Santa




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Dear Santa,

Does it make it harder for Rudolph when he has to pull you cuz your big belly?

Love,

Wendy Davidson Age 4 Austin, TX



Wendy,

Shut the fuck up.

-Santa

Catholicism isn't all fun and games....

So I was born and raised Catholic and most of my family is still very devout. Occasionally my Aunts, who are all for the most part very wonderful people, will send out 'Prayer Request Emails'. Oftentimes the emails will be requesting prayers for a loved one who is dealing with a hardship of some sort. I think this is wonderful. Even if you are an atheist (you're going to hell for all eternity btw) you have to appreciate family coming together to show support for one another. Unfortunately as with all organized religion it is inherently flawed.

A few months ago one of my Aunts sent out a 'Prayer Request Email' for her son, my Cousin Sam (the name has been changed to protect the innocent). Now this Aunt is one of those truly wonderful people. She is giving and kind and thoughtful and has all of the ingredients of wonderfulness. She is also a 'by the book' Catholic and that means she is obligated to player hate like a son of a bitch. Sometimes on those who truly don't deserve it, in this case her son Sam.

The 'Prayer Request' was sent so that we may pray for Sam because he was stricken with the most horrible of diseases for a God fearing Catholic, homosexuality. God help us all. I am a little confused though as to what I am supposed to be praying for? That God takes away his gayness? Fair enough.

"O Lord hear my prayer. Please lay your healing hands (keep it above the waist please) upon Samuel as he has wandered from the flock (and he kind of wandered like a girl, Lord). Please let him stop thinking about dudes so much. Make him dig chicks. Hell I don't know taketh him to Hooters maybe. I am sorry about using the word 'hell' Lord. Oh, and about the Hooters thing too. Thank you O Lord."

In all seriousness, Sam is a really good kid. To my knowledge he hasn't murdered, raped or stolen. On the contrary he is always very kind and respectful to everyone. Now this poor kid has to deal with the knowledge that his Mother's belief system is telling her her Son is possibly headed for eternal damnation if he doesn't quit being so gay all the time. It's not right. I am not an atheist. I do believe in God. I just don't think any organized religion has it right yet. I certainly don't believe in a God that is going to bar entrance into heaven for Sam because he happens to be gay.

I do apologize if I've offended anyone. And if God does exist in the form that Catholicism tells us he does then I would most sincerely like to apologize to him and let him know that I do not in any way dig any dudes as more than a friend.

Matell and what's wrong with America...

This weeks 'going to hell' corporation is Mattell (demonic toymaker and creator of that horrible materialistic p.o.s. Barbie). I saw a commercial yesterday for the Barbie Party RV. So Barbie and her shallow little tweaker friends can go "camping" while at the same time making sure they are still blingin' out of control. Its got a big screen TV and hot tub and all this other crap that has nothing to do with the time honored tradition of camping. Another horrible message directed at todays children that accumulating as much material s**t as possible will spell happiness and success and fill that void left in your heart because your parents were too busy to hug you. There is nothing wrong with having a jewel encrusted RV if you have the money and thats what you want but there is just something inherently wrong and completely unholy about bombarding children with this message. It's this sense of entitlement and quest for material crap and spendning money people dont have that helped get America in the trouble we are in now and disillusioned countless youths. Go to hell Matell. You go to hell and you die.

Senility isn't always a bad thing...

So my great aunt Bethany is in a home and pretty well out of it. She's full blown senile and when I visit lately she apparently thinks I am her late husband, my great Uncle Frank, who passed away when I was only 3 years old. She seems very happy when I visit and I don't have the heart to 'snap her out of it'. If she's happy in whatever year her mind is telling her she's in why should I ruin it? What am I going to tell her? That the only man she ever loved died 3 decades ago and she's biding her time in this senior citizen home? So I play along. I pretend to be my Great Uncle Frank. The sex is weird.